"Hot bodied" "actress" Megan Fox heats up the new Transformers movie -- powering the film solely with her raw sexuality. Read more, in this completely serious and not-at-all-satirical news story.

The following is meant to be solely satirical. If any part of the proceeding is confused as actual news, our sincerest apologies... stupid.  

Transformers actress Megan Fox says she quit waitressing because of customers inability to keep their hands off her "hot" body. She confesses it's why she enjoys working (and even dating) with Transformers so much; they keep to themselves, and if they get too touchy, they can transform into an apology card.

Fox recalls: "I used to be a waitress and guys putting their hands in the wrong places was a common part of my job; I worked at the Touch the Waitress Delicatessen, so it made sense. But it's no secret that diners hire hot girls as waitresses; we didn't even have to serve anything; we'd just walk in, turn, and walk out. It's the same with acting; people are touching me all the time; except Grimlock, his dainty, ineffectual hands can't do much."

Fox says she is more than just "coco-buttery-hot" skin on colloid:

"I'm not going to apologize for my looks," she said. "As a female, selling your sexuality is just too easy; I often get too much attention from the clientele; that's why it's really refreshing working with the Autobots; those Transformers, opposed to the Decepticons, are only attracted to other robots, and sexy blenders."

Fox, who plays a mechanic caught in a war between robots present in an alluring Hasbro toy line, says she can also do her own stunts:

"I actually had to step up and be the tough chick my character is supposed to be," she said. "I beat the crap out of those super-expensive Japanese robots to strengthen my upper body."

Director Michael Bay showing Fox the tiny Leprechaun that allows the car to transform.

Before her date with Starscream, Fox coats a cheery, metallic alloyed to help woo him (or her).

Accidently staying in Optimus Prime while he transforms, Megan is squished through his insides like a banana through a tomato slicer.

Trapped inside Prime, Megan panics and strips down to her bra.

Exhausted trying to find Bumblebee's muffler, Fox falls asleep.

Megan shows off her friendship bracelet she got from Megaton.

Miss Fox watches the original Transforms animated movie. Confused, she soon crashes and needs rebooting.

Inspired by her co-workers, Megan tries to transform into an ottoman, dislocating her shoulder blades.

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